So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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