Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
