NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
