i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I had to cum in my sink.
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