we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
