Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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