Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
