just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
