someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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