If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
