Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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