nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
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