2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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