Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
