Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
