Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
