I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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