he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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