After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
