i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
they're like a gay fantastic four
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize