Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
