I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
