as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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