Im at strip club and am horny
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
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