i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
