we have pet lesbian snakes
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
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