At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
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