$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize