Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
