Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
