I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
