i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
