Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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