Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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