I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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