fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
