I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
