well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
