Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
