i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
