I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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