i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The air was thick with penises
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
