Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Randomize
