Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
