i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
