god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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