well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
