i just made my gag reflex go away.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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