I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
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