All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i think i have two assholes
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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