So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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