dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
