I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
