I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
