So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
