I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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