just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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