I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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